A Journey Beyond The Logical Mind

Salam to all.

I have a condition called 'confidence breakdown' which strikes usually during the time when I need confidence the most; interviews etc...

I don't know what my strength is but I can write down a long list of my weaknesses.If the interviewer ask of the former, I just goreng and put on my 'confident girl act'. I don't have any special thing that makes me 'a little bit different' from other people. From my eyes, the person I see at the mirror is someone so ordinary and so... nothing.. and yeah.. so.. bosan...

Everybody walks down different path, encounters different types and number of doors, meets different obstacles and jumps over different holes..

So now you're blaming the qada' and qadar? You're saying that the path you take doesn't get you to any door? Is that it?
Well, I couldn't see any...

Was it because you didn't dare to open closed doors?
Yeah, that could be it.. I was afraid.

Of what? Of failure? Of humiliation? What? You know that it's ridiculous to feel that way, right?
I know. But when I twist the knob open, all I see is the people whose already the master of the game. That's why I close the door again. That's why I walk pass the door.

That's stupid and you know that. So that doubles the stupidity. Don't you know that the so-called 'masters of the game' too start from scratch?
I know, but they start from scratch earlier.

Why didn't you?
I.. I don't know... I have limitations you know that right?

What? The fact that daddy didn't allow you to go here and there?
Ya lah. The fact that I know daddy wouldn't let me, then I just kill off the chances, sometimes even when the chances is not even near yet.

You're blaming daddy, is that it?
No... That's not it.. Wait, that's not entirely it.. Ok wait, I admit I don't know how to use a chance. I wasted it all the time, most of it because I keep saying to myself that it's too late to start. That's foolish, I know. And now I know of another weakness of mine. I just hate to start from the bottom when everybody else has reached halfway uphill, I just hate to be left behind and when that happens, I tend to give up quite easily. I tried to find another hill to climb but the same thing happens. But there's this one hill that I couldn't run away from. I have to climb it no matter what, and again, I was left behind. I just have to reach the peak, I know that I will reach the peak, but having those people way unreachably ahead of me, it feels good if I have reached the peaks of some other hills.

What makes them unreachable by you? What makes them so special (please, put talent aside. I'm so sick of it)?
They're just being themselves. From the way I see it, climbing the hill is like brisk walking to them.

What would happen if you brisk walk too?
It's better not to start climbing the hill in the first place.. But, for this particular hill in which I can't abandon it whatsoever, I cannot brisk walk if I want to close in the gap.. I cannot brisk walk if I want to reach the peak too.

That's right! They're born genius and you're not so act like one. Work harder, work smarter, put all your cells into action. Don't focus on them, focus on the peak of the hill. As long as they don't stop you from reaching it, don't give them any bit of your mind. It's a serious waste of that small amount of neurons in your brain. Use everything you have, not think of everything you don't have. Don't look at the peak if it makes you feel like it's still far far away. Look at each step of yours. Keep putting one leg in front of the other. And remember, the five most powerful word is 'JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE'.

Salam to all.

Before any of you (classmates and college mates especially) jump into conclusion that I'm happy because of my recent result, I would like to clarify that, No, I'm not happy with that.

Tuesday: I talked and talked and talked with Manissa and Kay Ay. It really feels so goooood to talk to old friends like that.. Bio test was on this day.. Oh yeah, I saw AlKen too.. Hehehe!

Wednesday: The tkd practice was as hard as usual.. Wait, maybe a little bit harder this time.. We must do an additional 10 sit ups (so 30 sit ups altogether) and the kick-above-the-chair practice.. But amazingly though, I get less muscle ache this time.. Oh, that few short minutes of sparring is really, really satisfying... But people said that my kick is not that good.. Oh well, there's always room for improvement.. Wait till I get my hands on that arm pads... Math test today..

Thursday: English test. Hope today will be a better day! Oh, I looooove the rain!

Salam to all.

When I was younger, I doubt the concept of 'tawakkal' or 'leave it to Allah'. I question how and why some people can accept with an open heart, 'bad things' or 'bad results' or 'unexpected result' after working so hard for it. What is the purpose of tawakkal in the first place?

And now that I'm a bit mature, I understand what lies behind tawakkal.

Tawakkal is more than just leaving the matters to Allah.

To be continued...
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